Random random

I used to poo-poo the people who post saccharine messages telling the masses how highly they regard their friends.

I still think it’s saccharine and dull, not to mention lacking in sincerity. I’d rather express such sentiments personally. The problem is, of course, that I end up doing neither. But I will, just wait.

‘Blue Caravan’

It’s been awhile. Sitting in Fisher Library listening to Vienna Teng and studying Islamic garden architecture, lovely, isn’t it?

I can hardly believe I have just one semester left. I must make it a fabulous semester, then one day I’ll look back and be content that it was all worth it.

I can already do that, actually. It’s been terrible and wonderful. I feel very, very thankful that I can appreciate it now and that I don’t have to wait until I’m, say, 40 and hitting a mid-life crisis to understand the things I now understand. I think I hit my mid-life crisis prematurely, that’s all 🙂

I’m beginning to grow a heart, and that makes me happy. Once the 障碍 are removed, I think I will like the person I will be much more than the person I was.

I worried about ‘college-ish’ a lot before college. I don’t know what it means, exactly. I think it means getting caught up in the superficial and in present worries. I think it means forgetting to dream and to imagine and to love little pleasures. I think it means forgetting to value the friends of one’s past.

I am guilty of it sometimes. I know that there are times when I forget to care about people besides myself. I get so caught up in me that I forget. I haven’t done a good job of appreciating the little pleasures…I always start the semester doing a good job of it. I remember walking up the steps to the Academic Quad in October on a rainy day and loving the rain, the grey skies, even the chill air. But then I forgot and all I could think about was how cold it was, how miserable, how wet, how shitty.

Part of it is that I love melancholy. All the songs that I love most are tinged with it, Before Sunset is sad, through and through. It must be subtle, however. Subtle sadness breaks my heart and perhaps that’s why I like it. Because sometimes I worry that I have no heart, that I don’t feel. And I watch something like Before Sunset, see a painting like Picasso’s Blind Man, listen to a song like ‘Blue Caravan’ and feel overwhelming sadness, which confirms to myself that I do, indeed, have a heart.

I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to blog. I think it had a lot to do with ‘Blue Caravan’ playing in the background. What a lovely day.