More Julian Barnes

Loving humanity means as much, and as little, as loving raindrops, or loving the Milky Way. You say that you love humanity? Are you sure you aren’t treating yourself to easy self-congratulation, seeking approval, making certain you’re on the right side?

I had a conversation with a friend once about just this. We were talking about religion and how people ought to embrace the diversity of the world, or something like that. I was dissatisfied by the grand gesture because, as Julian Barnes aptly puts it, it’s so grand as to be meaningless. ‘Diversity’ is great, but who understands it? How is it possible without immersing oneself in various cultures? Sigh, another consideration of mine as I figure out where I’ll be next year. I want to get out and see things and do things that are hard. Not because of grades or silly things like that, but hard because I will be exposed to things I’ve never been exposed to before. I have a knack for trying to push myself out of comfort zones. Cleveland was one example, Beijing, another. But sometimes I get tired of it and it’s back to the grotto. Not a healthy alternative. Better next time.

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Trying to figure out where life will take me next can become pretty frustrating. And frightening. I sit around thinking about where I might be, what I might be doing at this same time next year and I draw a blank. I have no idea. And suddenly, I wonder if all those things that I want to do will ever get done. I’m only 22 and already feel that time’s scarce!

So I’ve been facing a blank Word document for two days now, trying to figure out what to write for those damned personal statements. And getting disheartened because no school, no organization, no one will want me! At least I wouldn’t…such an ordinary kid. Sometimes I just want to throw caution to the winds and put myself in the most challenging situations.

On the one hand, grad school would be great. So comforting. So familiar. Sure, it’s a new school, new place, and new challenges, but academic challenges are those I’m accustomed to. It’s the easy route. On the other hand, getting a job. TFA? Teaching abroad? Non-profits? A whole new set of challenges. But the uncertainty, ah the uncertainty. “Isn’t the most reliable form of pleasure . . . the pleasure of anticipation?” is one of my favorite Julian Barnes quotes. If anticipation is the most reliable form of pleasure, then uncertainty, or the dearth of anticipation, is certainly a reliable form of mental anguish.

So, instead of facing down the blank Word document page, I decided to flip open to Proverbs since I haven’t done my QT in a few days. I found this, better in Chinese than in English (Prov. 2:1-6)

“My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

我儿，你诺领受我的言语，存记我的命令，侧耳听智慧，专心求聪明，呼求明哲，扬声求聪明，寻找它，如寻找银子；搜求它，如搜求隐藏的珍宝，你就明白敬畏耶和华，得以认识神。因为耶和华赐人智慧，知识和聪明都由他口儿出。

And of course, the lovely passage from Philipians 4:4-7

你们要靠主常常喜乐！我再说，你们要喜乐！当叫众人知道你们谦让的心。主已经近了。应当一无挂虑，只要凡事籍着祷告，祈求和感谢，将你们所要的告诉神。神所赐出人意外的平安，必在基督耶稣里，保存你们的心怀意念。

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What a cheery passage. It’s funny because at no point does it promise that the prayers and petitions will be heard or answered, instead, the act of petition is sufficient for peace. And what’s more, peace doesn’t enter one’s heart and mind, but guards. It begs to be asked: guards against what? I can’t say I know, but from experience, being anxious and worrying leads one to think only of oneself. So, though still facing down a blank page, it’s no longer quite as daunting. I’ll come back to it later. Linear Algebra homework is more fun 🙂

What’s more, it’s beautiful outside. Sunny with a breeze.