Something old.

I’m not going to go in-depth, but here goes an attempt to push myself just a little bit more towards what I am generally less willing to talk about.

A primary goal of mine, entering college, was to elevate the confidence / assertiveness. That was one thing that I thought I really, really lacked. Being willing and able to not be a pushover in conversations, for instance. As far as personality tests go, debate their legitimacy all you want, 89% introvert is what I might have guessed for myself. That includes an almost obsessive and constant self-analysis, self-evaluation, yes, self-criticism, and attempts to change what I consider faulty. So I make the effort to be assertive. I very deliberately make at least two comments/ questions during class, I join the Ultimate Frisbee team, I challenge people’s viewpoints. An unwanted side-effect has been emerging I think. Confidence so easily becomes pressure, tends to make people uncomfortable. Sometimes (most of the time I hope), this is done unwittingly. Sometimes though, it isn’t. Sometimes it’s no more than wanting to debunk or challenge someone’s point. Argument for the sake of argument. That’s pretty troubling.

7.14.2008