Paris is so beautiful.

c’est tout.

Paris update #2

Loving Paris. What a beautiful, beautiful city.

Today, took a quick tour of the Beaubourg area of the 3rd arrondissement with Mme Julan. Lots and lots of boulangeries. I feared that Paris mightn’t be as convenient as, say, Austin where we can easily drive to HEB, the Domain, Best Buy, etc. Ha! I live within a ten minute walk from Les Halles, a Monoprix (like CVS except it also sells baguettes, breads of all sorts, and has food upstairs), Starbucks, two cinemas, le Centre Georges Pompidou (modern/contemporary art exhibitions), l’Atelier Brancusi, and a street or two with Chinese grocery stores/bakeries/restaurants, five banks, three subway lines, and, of course, the Seine. All within ten walking minutes.

Another 15 or so minutes takes me to Ile de la Cité (location of la Cathédrale de Notre Dame), île Saint-Louis, le Musée du Louvre (I’m a member now!), le Jardin du Luxembourg, and la Sorbonne (Quatier Latin and St. Germain-des-Pres). The Paris Panthéon is nearby as well.

Tomorrow, going to a church in the 19th arrondissement. I might also try to go to Cimetière du Père-Lachaise. If not, perhaps I will go to the Picasso Museum.

Oh, and so much for expensive Paris shopping. I have never seen boots selling so cheaply before, ever. And they are everywhere. Found a pair for 15 euros. I’m sure the quality is terrible and it’ll fall apart soon, but 15 euros…and not even the cheapest that I saw.

Oh, I also live right next to a cinema that shows a lot of Italian films. I’ll go and watch one sometime.

Life is tricksy.

Walking back from Peet’s in the Ville this evening, a walk I have made countless times, I had nary a thought but that my ears would freeze off. Just past Freeman, I happened to look to my right towards the Academic Quad with the Science Center in the foreground to its right and Stone-Davis to the far left. What a breathtaking sight. The combination of isolated lights from lit interiors and our orderly street lamps was so lovely.

It hit me at that moment that I’m graduating. Will I ever again live in a place so serene and beautiful?

What a trickster life can be. I’ve seen this same sight so many times without noticing it. The evening I first see how beautiful my campus is happens to be less than a week before I leave for good. At least I saw it.

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Trying to figure out where life will take me next can become pretty frustrating. And frightening. I sit around thinking about where I might be, what I might be doing at this same time next year and I draw a blank. I have no idea. And suddenly, I wonder if all those things that I want to do will ever get done. I’m only 22 and already feel that time’s scarce!

So I’ve been facing a blank Word document for two days now, trying to figure out what to write for those damned personal statements. And getting disheartened because no school, no organization, no one will want me! At least I wouldn’t…such an ordinary kid. Sometimes I just want to throw caution to the winds and put myself in the most challenging situations.

On the one hand, grad school would be great. So comforting. So familiar. Sure, it’s a new school, new place, and new challenges, but academic challenges are those I’m accustomed to. It’s the easy route. On the other hand, getting a job. TFA? Teaching abroad? Non-profits? A whole new set of challenges. But the uncertainty, ah the uncertainty. “Isn’t the most reliable form of pleasure . . . the pleasure of anticipation?” is one of my favorite Julian Barnes quotes. If anticipation is the most reliable form of pleasure, then uncertainty, or the dearth of anticipation, is certainly a reliable form of mental anguish.

So, instead of facing down the blank Word document page, I decided to flip open to Proverbs since I haven’t done my QT in a few days. I found this, better in Chinese than in English (Prov. 2:1-6)

“My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

我儿，你诺领受我的言语，存记我的命令，侧耳听智慧，专心求聪明，呼求明哲，扬声求聪明，寻找它，如寻找银子；搜求它，如搜求隐藏的珍宝，你就明白敬畏耶和华，得以认识神。因为耶和华赐人智慧，知识和聪明都由他口儿出。

And of course, the lovely passage from Philipians 4:4-7

你们要靠主常常喜乐！我再说，你们要喜乐！当叫众人知道你们谦让的心。主已经近了。应当一无挂虑，只要凡事籍着祷告，祈求和感谢，将你们所要的告诉神。神所赐出人意外的平安，必在基督耶稣里，保存你们的心怀意念。

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What a cheery passage. It’s funny because at no point does it promise that the prayers and petitions will be heard or answered, instead, the act of petition is sufficient for peace. And what’s more, peace doesn’t enter one’s heart and mind, but guards. It begs to be asked: guards against what? I can’t say I know, but from experience, being anxious and worrying leads one to think only of oneself. So, though still facing down a blank page, it’s no longer quite as daunting. I’ll come back to it later. Linear Algebra homework is more fun 🙂

What’s more, it’s beautiful outside. Sunny with a breeze.

091409_Class trees

I thought I’d restart the habit of documenting the lovely little snippets of life that I encounter.

Today, while walking back from the library, I came across a tree. I don’t know what kind of tree it was, but it was clearly young. There was a little rock at the bottom with a date- 2003. I never knew that a few of the class trees were located between the library and my dorm!

I walked on. The 1950 tree was gorgeous. Aspen, perhaps? It’s trunk was white and it was very, very tall. Really phenomenal. Next to it was the 1932 tree. 1932! That’s amazing! Wellesley girls were planting trees in 1932!

It was amazing to see how large and stately the trees have become in 60 years, 80 years. I thought trees grow slowly, but no, they can be pretty amazing!

I don’t know where the other class trees are, but I think I’ll walk around campus and look for them. The class tree is something that each class plants in their junior year. Hm, speaking of trees, I’m not sure where the 2010 tree is. I’ll look for it!

‘Blue Caravan’

It’s been awhile. Sitting in Fisher Library listening to Vienna Teng and studying Islamic garden architecture, lovely, isn’t it?

I can hardly believe I have just one semester left. I must make it a fabulous semester, then one day I’ll look back and be content that it was all worth it.

I can already do that, actually. It’s been terrible and wonderful. I feel very, very thankful that I can appreciate it now and that I don’t have to wait until I’m, say, 40 and hitting a mid-life crisis to understand the things I now understand. I think I hit my mid-life crisis prematurely, that’s all 🙂

I’m beginning to grow a heart, and that makes me happy. Once the 障碍 are removed, I think I will like the person I will be much more than the person I was.

I worried about ‘college-ish’ a lot before college. I don’t know what it means, exactly. I think it means getting caught up in the superficial and in present worries. I think it means forgetting to dream and to imagine and to love little pleasures. I think it means forgetting to value the friends of one’s past.

I am guilty of it sometimes. I know that there are times when I forget to care about people besides myself. I get so caught up in me that I forget. I haven’t done a good job of appreciating the little pleasures…I always start the semester doing a good job of it. I remember walking up the steps to the Academic Quad in October on a rainy day and loving the rain, the grey skies, even the chill air. But then I forgot and all I could think about was how cold it was, how miserable, how wet, how shitty.

Part of it is that I love melancholy. All the songs that I love most are tinged with it, Before Sunset is sad, through and through. It must be subtle, however. Subtle sadness breaks my heart and perhaps that’s why I like it. Because sometimes I worry that I have no heart, that I don’t feel. And I watch something like Before Sunset, see a painting like Picasso’s Blind Man, listen to a song like ‘Blue Caravan’ and feel overwhelming sadness, which confirms to myself that I do, indeed, have a heart.

I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to blog. I think it had a lot to do with ‘Blue Caravan’ playing in the background. What a lovely day.