Important: Before Sunset hunt.

OK so I will set out to find the exact locations of both Shakespeare and Co. and Le Pure Café tomorrow. I spent 2+ hours walking around St-Germain-des-Pres and Quatier Latin today, almost street by street for awhile, looking. Although I know that Shakespeare is in Quatier Latin, I am not certain of the exact spot. To be nice to my feet, I decided to do some planning before setting off again tomorrow. What clues do I have that will help me find said sites?

Shakespeare and Co/Le Pure Café

1) Outside of Shakespeare is very busy area. Céline stands in front of a little statue.

2) They walk past something that might be a cathédrale after exiting Shakespeare. Helpful things: gated area, no cars, cobblestones.

3) They go to a raised garden…key point: it exits right by the Seine.

Context.

I tend to think that my experiences/feelings/thoughts are unique. The details certainly are. But I often need to remind myself that it’s really not singular. That many, many people have the same experiences/feelings/thoughts. When its something positive, something that makes me really happy, I could care less about whether anyone is experiencing the same (I’m terribly selfish). When its something less positive, however, I like to know that I’m not unique.

What I mean to say is that people have been feeling these same emotions for centuries! millenia! And most of them muddle through. Some of these individuals have even left behind their ideas, experiences, and emotions in tangible works–music, literature, paintings…movies, TV shows, magazine articles, blogs.

In History Boys, Mr. Hector explains how poetry becomes our own expression:

Timms: Sir, I don’t always understand poetry!
Mr. Hector: You don’t always understand it. Timms, I never understand it. But learn it now, know it now, and you will understand it…whenever.
Timms: I don’t see how we can understand it! Most of the stuff poetry’s about hasn’t happened to us yet.
Mr. Hector: But it will, Timms, it will. And when it does, you’ll have the antidote ready. Grief, happiness–even when you’re dying.

For the same reason, I love Before Sunset. Each time I watch the film is a unique experience. I watched it again recently and as always, I discovered things about myself.

The Book of Psalms kind of works like that as well. Some passages are really lovely, but only at the right time.

Psalms 16

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Love.

‘Blue Caravan’

It’s been awhile. Sitting in Fisher Library listening to Vienna Teng and studying Islamic garden architecture, lovely, isn’t it?

I can hardly believe I have just one semester left. I must make it a fabulous semester, then one day I’ll look back and be content that it was all worth it.

I can already do that, actually. It’s been terrible and wonderful. I feel very, very thankful that I can appreciate it now and that I don’t have to wait until I’m, say, 40 and hitting a mid-life crisis to understand the things I now understand. I think I hit my mid-life crisis prematurely, that’s all 🙂

I’m beginning to grow a heart, and that makes me happy. Once the 障碍 are removed, I think I will like the person I will be much more than the person I was.

I worried about ‘college-ish’ a lot before college. I don’t know what it means, exactly. I think it means getting caught up in the superficial and in present worries. I think it means forgetting to dream and to imagine and to love little pleasures. I think it means forgetting to value the friends of one’s past.

I am guilty of it sometimes. I know that there are times when I forget to care about people besides myself. I get so caught up in me that I forget. I haven’t done a good job of appreciating the little pleasures…I always start the semester doing a good job of it. I remember walking up the steps to the Academic Quad in October on a rainy day and loving the rain, the grey skies, even the chill air. But then I forgot and all I could think about was how cold it was, how miserable, how wet, how shitty.

Part of it is that I love melancholy. All the songs that I love most are tinged with it, Before Sunset is sad, through and through. It must be subtle, however. Subtle sadness breaks my heart and perhaps that’s why I like it. Because sometimes I worry that I have no heart, that I don’t feel. And I watch something like Before Sunset, see a painting like Picasso’s Blind Man, listen to a song like ‘Blue Caravan’ and feel overwhelming sadness, which confirms to myself that I do, indeed, have a heart.

I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to blog. I think it had a lot to do with ‘Blue Caravan’ playing in the background. What a lovely day.

Before Sunset, Summer ’08

Suddenly I don’t much feel like writing about Before Sunset, but whatever, I will. Started to rewatch that and this time, sure enough, completely different thoughts. Identify far more with Celine. She’s confident, she knows what she wants, she’s loving her environmentalist job, yet she’s not entirely at ease. Is she cynical? Yes. Am I, certainly more so than before. My god, practically every word she says, every reaction of hers, I could see myself doing the same, now or later

_____
Just reread my thoughts on Before Sunset from two years ago. I was more sympathetic towards Jesse and preferred how he turned out then, I think. At least I liked his naivete. This time though, not so much. This time I much more empathize with Celine’s views, with Celine’s transformation. Hers is the truer, more mature, more real, more thoughtful change. She’s definitely carefully analyzed her own emotions, she’s very self-aware. She has built a protective shell around herself, detached herself emotionally, refused to show hurt.

Before Sunset, Summer ’06

I just rewatched part of that movie and again I am astounded by Linklater’s ability to capture human behavior / emotion. He is spot-on.  Also reread my thoughts on the movie from Summer 2006.

Here are the thoughts from then;

what i really need to do is rewatch these two movies many years later. after i’m married or matured or just more injured and experienced. this is like looking into the future to see what will happen rather than what has.

what’s amazing is the acting almost more than the dialogue. i love the way ethan hawke looks at celine. because that’s the way real people really look at people they love and care about. there’s so much love and longing and regret in his gaze. like he’s hoping at every moment that 9 years ago she had been at vienna. when he says, “god, why weren’t you there!” while on the boat…it was entirely natural. as if he’s been thinking that the entire time and is so angry and so disappointed and has been for years and years.

what is the end though? do they stay together, live a fairy tale life and abandon their old relationships or return and separate from each other? the romantic end or the realistic? i think it doesn’t matter what the true ending is. as humans we love a final end to things. but i think it really depends on what ending we make. what would we do? in my personal opinion, they stay another night. maybe they talk to each other from time to time. but in the end, jesse came back a married man with a four-year-old same named henry. there are things that cannot be returned. although people’s dispositions may not be altered really, their situations force different choices. he would do anything to stay with his son and he will stay with his son regardless. for celine, she’s given so much of herself to her work, her independence. she wants someone to love her and jesse does. i think that they love each other, they know they love each other, but they continue separate lives with correspondence and an untarnished memory of love and innocence and naivete. this keeps them…alive and purposeful and also wondering still about what might have happened that special special night.

what’s amazing is jesse is still somewhat romantic and naive despite a difficult marriage. celine has become cynical and devoted to her work and to her cause. she’s filled with excitement about that and she represses her past disappointment.

there are such strong currents of vague awkwardness, of resentment, or disappointment and regret, of accusation. they both have pretty heavy burdens of guilt. especially celine for not showing up, for not finding him in new york, for not exchanging numbers. ethan though has a marriage and a kid that stands between their reunification. they seem to want the other to have missed himself/herself a lot in the absence. there’s obviously a lot of moments where they say something polite, like celine acting as if she’s caring about his failing marriage and the german gretchen while wanting herself to have been the most important and all.

they try hard to act real, to sort of make up for lost time but they’ve seen enough and matured enough to realize they were young and naive once. they still hope though. they still hope for something.

in before sunrise the conversations were more random- getting older, the future, astrology, relationships etc.- now the topics are more centered their ideas more entrenched and developed. all the time when julie’s talking, i just look at jesse and he seems more enamoured of the woman before him, as if he’s reminiscing the entire time and regretting and wondering what might have been than exactly fully into what she’s going on and on about. julie on the other hand seems like she’s sort of rambling to cover up the pain and the difficulty of seeing ethan again.

i love the scene on the boat where jesse sort of bares himself. makes himself more vulnerable. he tells her why he wrote the book and how incredibly deep is the hurt that she never showed up. i love the scene on the stairwell of her apartment. this scene is so like and so unlike the music-listening scene. nine years ago they were embarrassed and a little awkward but happy to be in each other’s company. back then they were both aware but pretending to be unaware. as they look at each other. this time they’re anticipating, thinking what might/will happen thinking of making up what could-have-been. this time they can look at each other without looking away in embarrassment. i think they’ve experienced what happens when they don’t seize the moment. when they rely too much on romanticism.

this movie moved me to tears in parts and smiles in others. no melodrama, no deaths or anything like that. they don’t even leave each other really! it’s just, watching these two people whose paths crossed once and then were disappointed. to see how they’ve changed and become more cynical and been hurt and scarred. see them trying to salvage something of the past or rescue a lost part of themselves. celine especially.

i think there’s just no end to watching and rewatching this movie. it’s amazing because somehow this movie draws so much out of its audience. i think when i watch this in college or out of college, the meaning the highlights the nuances that stand out will change. right now i watch analyzing the dialogue, the acting intensely. what if i watch it to just watch it? i’m watching it a second time right now at corpus christi and it’s nearly 2 am. second time since 11:30 pm.

im speechless. there. im speechless. this movie is so real its blah! i don’t know i can’t really describe it or analyze. really i’m just waiting to rewatch this years later to reanalyze this and reanalyze myself and where i’ve been. what i’ve experienced. how i’ve grown. how i’ve matured, been hurt, been scarred. i hope i’ll still be a bit romantic, a bit naive still like jesse. i hope i don’t become cynical. i hope i find happiness but still have something to seek after. i want to meet people i’ve known and talk to them and be able to talk about the past without such regrets and accusations and guilts on both sides.